Conference Room Yosemite B, Holiday Inn Express, Fresno, California, 9:30 a.m., July 24, 2013.
CARLOS DANGER: Hello and thanks for coming to this press conference on such short notice. As you may have heard, my good name has been smeared all over the news. My phone has been ringing off the hook, reporters are peeking through my windows — it’s been an awful 24 hours for me and my wife.
To clear up any confusion, I am the real Carlos Danger and this is my wife, Betty. I was born in Tulare, California to Enrique and Juanita Danger… well, Peligro before they Anglicized it.
Anyway, I am not Anthony Weiner, okay? No one even heard of me until that disgusting politician used my name for his late-night chats. Thanks for letting me clear that up and thanks also to Geno’s Sandwiches for catering this ev…
Q: Anthony! Anthony! Are you still running for mayor of New York?
CARLOS DANGER: No. Didn’t you just hear me? I’m not Anthony Weiner. I’m Carlos Danger. I’m not running for mayor of any city — my wife would kill me. Any more questions?
Q: Are you still chatting with women online?
CARLOS DANGER: No, that’s not me.
Q: Answer the question! Do you chat with women online?
CARLOS DANGER: Well, sure, but it’s no big deal. My wife knows and…
Q: Carlos! You say you aren’t Anthony Weiner but you chat with girls on the Internet?
CARLOS DANGER: Come on, we’re all adults here. I’m a red-blooded American male, of course I’ve had some conversations with the ladies.
Q: And Mrs. Danger is fine with this?
CARLOS DANGER: Look, we’ve been married for years. You gotta spice it up a bit, all right? [laughter] Yeah, I see Betty rolling her eyes. Love you, baby.
Q: Carlos, Jill Connelly with the Fresno Bee. I checked through your Internet logs, and you’ve had a lot of late night activity on political websites, blogs and news forums.
CARLOS DANGER: No, I don’t like politics. Not really my thing. But let’s wrap this up, I only have the room until…
Q: Mr. Danger, we cross-referenced your records with the NSA — this info is solid. You used an assumed name, regularly argued about policy past midnight and at one point even claimed you were a congressman.
BETTY DANGER: WHAT?
CARLOS DANGER: No, Betty. Don’t listen to her.
Q: On March 11, you said you were, and I quote, “wined and dined at The Palm. Farm bill looking better and better.”
CARLOS DANGER: Look, I’m not perfect. I have an eye for the ladies, at times I drink too much, even been on the wrong side of the law a time or two, but I have some standards. I don’t do politics.
Q: On December 2, you claimed to have switched your vote on insurance reform, saying “I evolved.”
BETTY DANGER: Politics again? How could you, Carlos?
Q: October 2012 you said you were creating a Gang of Four to push for a new round of stimulus spending.
CARLOS DANGER: Where you going, Betty? Betty!
Q: Mr. Danger, your Twitter account follows nearly every lobbyist on K Street. Do you want me to read your DMs?
CARLOS DANGER: All right, all right. [long pause] I shouldn’t have done that, okay? Now my wife’s mad and I have to go patch things up again. You got me.
Q: Mrs. Danger doesn’t like politics?
CARLOS DANGER: Well… I used to be involved in the party. Some union leaders even wanted me to run for the legislature after Betty got pregnant. She made me drop out — said it was a bad influence on the kids.
Q: Why did you hide this from her?
CARLOS DANGER: I don't know what I was thinking. This was a destructive thing to do. It was hurtful to the people I care about the most.
Q: Will you check yourself into a clinic to get some kind of counseling — a 12-step program maybe?
CARLOS DANGER: Some things you have said today are true and some are not. But politics is behind me. I’ve been clean for several months. With 49 days left until our anniversary, perhaps I'm surprised that more things didn't come out sooner.
Q: Is this behind you? Do you promise not to get involved in online politics again?
CARLOS DANGER: I promise. From now on, I’ll only use the Internet to chat with and send lewd pictures to women. No more lobbyists for me. My family is too important.