Jon Gabriel
  • Home
  • Words
  • Media
  • Design
  • Contact

The Real Carlos Danger Stands Up

7/24/2013

0 Comments

 
Picture
RICOCHET

[RUSH TRANSCRIPT]

Conference Room Yosemite B, Holiday Inn Express, Fresno, California, 9:30 a.m., July 24, 2013.

CARLOS DANGER: Hello and thanks for coming to this press conference on such short notice. As you may have heard, my good name has been smeared all over the news. My phone has been ringing off the hook, reporters are peeking through my windows — it’s been an awful 24 hours for me and my wife.

To clear up any confusion, I am the real Carlos Danger and this is my wife, Betty. I was born in Tulare, California to Enrique and Juanita Danger… well, Peligro before they Anglicized it.

Anyway, I am not Anthony Weiner, okay? No one even heard of me until that disgusting politician used my name for his late-night chats. Thanks for letting me clear that up and thanks also to Geno’s Sandwiches for catering this ev…

Q: Anthony! Anthony! Are you still running for mayor of New York?

CARLOS DANGER: No. Didn’t you just hear me? I’m not Anthony Weiner. I’m Carlos Danger. I’m not running for mayor of any city — my wife would kill me. Any more questions?

Q: Are you still chatting with women online?

CARLOS DANGER: No, that’s not me.

Q: Answer the question! Do you chat with women online?

CARLOS DANGER: Well, sure, but it’s no big deal. My wife knows and…

Q: Carlos! You say you aren’t Anthony Weiner but you chat with girls on the Internet?

CARLOS DANGER: Come on, we’re all adults here. I’m a red-blooded American male, of course I’ve had some conversations with the ladies.

Q: And Mrs. Danger is fine with this?

CARLOS DANGER: Look, we’ve been married for years. You gotta spice it up a bit, all right? [laughter] Yeah, I see Betty rolling her eyes. Love you, baby.

Q: Carlos, Jill Connelly with the Fresno Bee. I checked through your Internet logs, and you’ve had a lot of late night activity on political websites, blogs and news forums.

CARLOS DANGER: No, I don’t like politics. Not really my thing. But let’s wrap this up, I only have the room until…

Q: Mr. Danger, we cross-referenced your records with the NSA — this info is solid. You used an assumed name, regularly argued about policy past midnight and at one point even claimed you were a congressman.

BETTY DANGER: WHAT?

CARLOS DANGER: No, Betty. Don’t listen to her.

Q: On March 11, you said you were, and I quote, “wined and dined at The Palm. Farm bill looking better and better.”

CARLOS DANGER: Look, I’m not perfect. I have an eye for the ladies, at times I drink too much, even been on the wrong side of the law a time or two, but I have some standards. I don’t do politics.

Q: On December 2, you claimed to have switched your vote on insurance reform, saying “I evolved.”

BETTY DANGER: Politics again? How could you, Carlos?

Q: October 2012 you said you were creating a Gang of Four to push for a new round of stimulus spending.

CARLOS DANGER: Where you going, Betty? Betty!

Q: Mr. Danger, your Twitter account follows nearly every lobbyist on K Street. Do you want me to read your DMs?

CARLOS DANGER: All right, all right. [long pause] I shouldn’t have done that, okay? Now my wife’s mad and I have to go patch things up again. You got me.

Q: Mrs. Danger doesn’t like politics?

CARLOS DANGER: Well… I used to be involved in the party. Some union leaders even wanted me to run for the legislature after Betty got pregnant. She made me drop out — said it was a bad influence on the kids.

Q: Why did you hide this from her?

CARLOS DANGER: I don't know what I was thinking. This was a destructive thing to do. It was hurtful to the people I care about the most.

Q: Will you check yourself into a clinic to get some kind of counseling — a 12-step program maybe?

CARLOS DANGER: Some things you have said today are true and some are not. But politics is behind me. I’ve been clean for several months. With 49 days left until our anniversary, perhaps I'm surprised that more things didn't come out sooner.

Q: Is this behind you? Do you promise not to get involved in online politics again?

CARLOS DANGER: I promise. From now on, I’ll only use the Internet to chat with and send lewd pictures to women. No more lobbyists for me. My family is too important.
0 Comments



Leave a Reply.

    Archives

    March 2018
    February 2018
    January 2018
    December 2017
    November 2017
    October 2017
    September 2017
    August 2017
    July 2017
    June 2017
    May 2017
    April 2017
    March 2017
    February 2017
    January 2017
    December 2016
    November 2016
    August 2016
    June 2016
    May 2016
    March 2016
    November 2015
    October 2015
    September 2015
    June 2015
    May 2015
    April 2015
    February 2015
    January 2015
    December 2014
    November 2014
    October 2014
    July 2014
    June 2014
    May 2014
    April 2014
    March 2014
    February 2014
    January 2014
    December 2013
    November 2013
    October 2013
    September 2013
    August 2013
    July 2013
    June 2013
    May 2013
    April 2013
    March 2013
    February 2013
    January 2013
    December 2012

    Categories

    All
    Arizona
    Arizona Republic
    Art
    Business
    Buzzfeed
    Communication
    Culture
    Daily Caller
    Design
    Drugs
    Economy
    Education
    Energy
    Environment
    Family
    Food & Drink
    Freedomworks
    Free Speech
    Gender
    Guns
    Health Care
    Heartland Institute
    Humor
    Immigration
    International
    Journalism
    Military
    Music
    Neatorama
    NY Post
    Outrage
    Philosophy
    Photoshop
    Politics
    Red Tape
    Religion
    Ricochet
    Social Media
    Technology
    Unions
    USA Today
    Wall Street Journal

    RSS Feed

© 2017  Jon Gabriel. All rights reserved.
  • Home
  • Words
  • Media
  • Design
  • Contact