With a week to go before the big day, I’ve need to get something off my chest: If I hear Paul McCartney’s “Wonderful Christmastime” again I’m going to convert to Norse paganism, grab a battle-ax and lay waste to the local all-holiday radio station.
The choir of children sing their song!
Ding dong! Ding dong!
Ding dong! ding Ahhhhhhh…
"SECURITY! A Viking just killed the board op!
Save us from the wrath of the Northmen!"
The ex-Beatle abomination is number one on my list and I can’t even bear to embed the video. But there are other horrifying songs that litter airwaves, malls and waiting rooms in an effort to ruin this time of year.
2. Band Aid "Do They Know Its Christmas"
A common question among early 80s New Romantics was “What do Bob Geldof and Midge Ure think about the birth of Christ?” Unfortunately they answered with a British “all-star” carol featuring heartwarming lines such as:
And the Christmas bells that ring there
Are the clanging chimes of doom
Well tonight thank God it's them instead of you
Just try to enjoy those presents now, you Thatcherite fascists!
3. Bruce Springsteen "Santa Claus Is Comin' To Town"
Springsteen is popular in New Jersey because he always sings about escaping New Jersey. Santa didn’t get the hint and is flying into Newark unless Bruce can ward him off with his gravelly voice and faux stage banter. This song mostly makes the list because I’ve heard it every day of Advent since I discovered radio. Enough.
4. Wham! "Last Christmas"
A face on a lover with a fire in his heart
A man under cover but you tore him apart
George Michael isn’t singing about Santa or the baby Jesus in this one. But occasionally you can hear it hummed in public bathrooms coast to coast.
5. John Lennon "Happy Xmas (War Is Over)"
In a world of bad ideas, “Hey, let’s ask the atheist to write a Christmas song!” might have the worst results. As the video shows, the proper spelling is “Xmas” and the season needs less decking the halls and more dying children in far-off places. Ex-Beatles and Christmas don't mix.
So those are my picks. What do you think are the worst Christmas songs of all time?