 Thank you. Thank you and thank you, please be seated. Thank you. [Points at random person in crowd, feigning recognition] Yes, thank you. Please. You can sit down. [Fake laugh.] Seriously. Come on. Thank you. OK … enough. Sit down! I thank Kid Rock for that very generous introduction and for all the support that you and your stripper escorts have given me. You know that America is greatly indebted to Mr. Rock for his years of courageous and visionary … rap/rock/country stuff. You brew beer too, right? Cool. Anyhoo, with Senator Flake’s announcement that he will not seek re-election as US Senator from the great state of Arizona, many, many people have recommended that I throw my hat in the ring. So many people. Senator Flake would probably call that “humbling” or something, but, come on, I’d be pretty awesome. I live in Arizona, I’m over 30, and I have freelanced for a couple of lobbyists, so I pass constitutional muster. The gig also pays $174K a year, which is a far site better than my Ricochet paycheck. Peter and Rob run a lean business; I’m just glad my kids like ramen.
And I am so pleased to be making this announcement at Cartel Coffee Lab in suburban Tempe, Arizona, and hoping my free plug will cover some of my debts here. [Looks at barista, points to empty demitasse.] You know, the first time I spoke to a group this large was at my jury trial for that donkey incident at Arizona State. Hopefully this speech will go a little better so I can give DC a few tips on criminal justice reform. I often return to one thing I said way back then, after all the screaming and crying: that justice is the art of making possible what appears to be impossible. I still believe that today. We can do the impossible if we have the vision, the passion, and the will to see the possibilities beyond our grandparents’ dreams of the moral arc through forebearance and hope in the shining city on … I don’t remember all of it, but it was inspiring. The gist was that, yes, the donkey died horribly and the trampoline couldn’t be saved, but we should look instead to the challenges that lie ahead. We can strengthen our community. We can inspire our children. We can get the stains out. Now, I know some people are asking why I’m doing this here and now, and that’s a fair question. In addition to the money I can make, there are many problems I intend to solve in Washington. There is the opening of a decent Mexican restaurant in the Beltway. There is the matter of lousy coffee at Starbucks, which I will solve with my Comprehensive Augmentation For Espresso bill to set new CAFE standards for the industry. And my replacement of the national anthem with “Ace of Spades” by Motörhead. (You can’t kneel when you’re headbanging, NFL.) That’s a lot to accomplish over five six-year terms, but I figure by 2048 you’ll have forgotten these promises. And by then I will have inexplicably become a multi-millionaire; such is my dedication as a public servant. For those reading this announcement on Ricochet, have no fear — I will continue to serve as Editor-in-Chief of this extraordinary website. (Please join.) Not only will this let me double-dip salaries, I figure I’ll have plenty of time to work when the Senate is in session Tuesday through Thursday, except for spring break, summer vacation, fall break, and all months with holidays. The Senate is mostly boring meetings anyway, and if I’m not handling stuff here, I’d just be playing Angry Birds. I’ve already three-starred all the levels. In conclusion, give me money. I need like $25 million and I don’t want to ask twice. There are apparently rules about graft, but if you slip me a envelope full of cash and there happens to be some proposed legislation in there… God bless Arizona, God bless America, and please visit www dot cartelcoffeelab dot com. [Looks at barista, points to still empty demitasse.]
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